Anonymity Part II

I still think of this when I’m writing posts.  Mostly when I post too many incriminating details about my life, thinking someone can piece the details together and out me. I know it’s stupid.  But they say never post something on the internet unless you aren’t afraid it could come back to haunt you.

I used to belong to a band message board. My ID included my real name.  I know now that I was extremely manic. I’d be posting at all hours of the night.  I became friends with many.  I was flirty and chatty. I had way too much confidence.  I made bad decisions. I followed the band. I occasionally worried since I used my real name that I’d be connected to this flirtatious groupie (exaggerate….).

I really want to tell my story a little deeper so I’ve deleted a few of my personal posts to distance myself so I can be more authentic without worrying. Maybe it will give me more perspective.  I just don’t want my family to be hurt by my actions.


Top 10 Ways To Get Me To Read Your Blog

  1. The blogs I like to read at the personal blogs.  I read many mommy blog type blogs, Dooce, Taza, That Wife… mostly to snark on their oh so perfect lives, the kinds with thousands of followers. I also read many blogs on wordpress. These are by far much more true life.
  2. Less than 1000 words.  I get overwhelmed reading too much text. If it’s long, something to break up the paragraphs.
  3.  I love to read the day to day goings of people.  Went here, did this, said this. Some have posted that their blog was boring…no. I can relate to it.   It’s not boring!
  4. When I first decided to start a blog I thought I’d be all about educating.  What are migraines, how are they caused, new treatments. Now when I come across a medically-ish blog I pass it by.  I don’t like blogs that are too journalistic or know it all. If I want to read stuff like that I’ll go to a real healthcare website.
  5. Bloggers that are authentic.  When I can hear their voice when reading.
  6. I’m not a fan of guest posters. If I read your blog it’s because I like your writing and style.  Sure, you can recommend or praise another blogger. I’d probably at least give them a look.  I’d just really prefer to listen to your voice when I’m on your blog.  Certainly I wont unfollow…just doesn’t interest me.
  7.  If you’re going to post about something, post it.  Don’t post vaguely. Vague posting sucks.  It’s done a lot on the blogs such as Taza or Dooce.  Btw, both bloggers I follow.
  8. Pictures!  However, I only post stock pictures.  I’m trying to keep anonymous myself so I understand not wanting to put yourself out there. But pictures always draw me in…even stock photos.
  9. Frequent posters, snippets into lives, parenting, marriage, mental health are a few of my interests.

Of course this is just a silly little list of my preferences. Blogs are here for us to post whatever…no judgement of any personal blog out there. This is just what attracts me and draws me to read a blog.



Happened on a Mound of Fire Ants

I went out into the garden several times today.  This morning I planted a flat of annuals along the pathway I made through one of my perennial gardens. It’s one I’ve been slowly improving.  Something was off until I put the stepping stones in and now it looks so cute! It was a large area so it needed a little path.

Yesterday as I was digging I must have hit a red ant nest because they were everywhere.  I asked my husb to pick up something for me to use because I just cannot get into the dirt with what was like a literal army of red ants. Once he got home they were long gone.

This afternoon I was back outside and I saw the whole army again travelling together across a stepping stone.  I dashed inside to get my phone for a video to show my doubtful husb.  But by the time I very quickly got back they were gone!!!! I felt like I was hallucinating.  There were a million…a sea of them! And then gone.



Date Night Sounds So Corny…

Today was a great day.  A couple errands, I visited my sister, gardening with husb this afternoon.  Tonight all of our chicklets are out with their friends.  This leaves us to fend for ourselves for dinner.

Gardening is so enjoyable when done with him.  We did some landscaping stuff which is fun.  He helped me put a pathway into a new garden bed I’ve made. I love paths through my gardens. I love an English country garden and find it’s my biggest gardening inspiration.

Tonight we’re going to enjoy the night off.  Dinner and Lowes makes for my perfect date night. ❤

Less Crazy But Fat


When your pdoc suggests starting one of the newer anti-psychotic meds used to treat your mental health disorder, you are leery but go along with her because you feel like utter shit. You don’t ask about weight gain because you already know.

The first psyche med caused me major weight gain. I must have gained 20+ pounds in a week or two.  Now I’m up in my weight after years of thinking I had it under control.  What I think might have been happening before was that my anxiety and mania kept my weight in check.  I lost weight very easily.  I could eat what I wanted but a lot of the time I wasn’t hungry but I was running around at work too.  I took it as a happy benefit though didn’t realize it was probably mania at the time. We were looking through pictures of years past and I came upon a picture of a time where I know for sure I was manic and I was really thin. I read that some people can tell if someone is manic from their eyes.  In that picture I looked manic. My eyes look larger and a lil bit crazy maybe. Or maybe it’s just that I remember back to that time and know I was acting out impulsively and I was definitely not acting like myself.

This new med she has me on is supposed to be weight neutral but it makes me really hungry all day long.  Plus…munchies, you know. I need to stop snacking.  I need to just suck it up and learn to eat wisely again.  This is my public declaration 😉  Maybe it’ll help me stay true.



On Medications, Gardening and Life Lately

Aaah, I’m really starting to feel my depression lift.  I’m so thankful.  Recently we increased two of my medications and I can tell it’s working.  He’s being cautious slowly increasing and monitoring my mood as to not go manic. My anxiety is slowly creeping down as it never has before. I’ve also never been on this high of a dose of my antidepressant ever.  NO WONDER IT DIDN’T WORK.   I didn’t give him enough credit in the beginning. I wasn’t so sure the route he was taking was going to work.  And it didn’t really. But now with the change things seem better.  I didn’t think he’d go slightly alternative with my meds but I’m truly blessed I found him.

I still have little interest in my past hobbies.  I’ve been forcing myself out of the house.  I go weekly to my mum’s for the paper crafting senior group she has in her ginormous craft room. It makes me smile that I’m crafting with some retired ladies but are so nice and have been so welcoming! I know my mum enjoys it when I go and so that is a doubly good thing. My attention span is not like it used to be so I spend several hours and return home. Sometimes I go to my local thrift store. I do enjoy that and I used to love going. Nowadays I’ve just strolled around not looking for anything specific but just seeing what’s there and trying to enjoy myself out of my house.

I really think the weather has helped me too.  Being out in the sunny weather, if only for short periods of time seems to make me feel better. I will have to stay alert for signs of reoccurring depression once the cold weather starts up again.  I didn’t realize it affected me.

I’ve been spending time in my garden, sometimes weeding a little.  Often deadheading the spent blooms. I’ve planted a few new lavender plants and a few others I’ve got on sale at Lowes. Love lavender. I have some lilies to plant (also sale!) which will wait til the husb works outside with me. I feel like I should be doing more.

Self care…not great.  Weekly showers-check, sleeping in my clothes-check, wearing said clothing more than a day-check. I know I’ve got a way to go but I’m feeling like me and better than I have in so long.


Life Stages

cg5394b4fa12150You know how parents say each age is their favorite? Every stage was my favorite. It’s hard to narrow it down to a single time frame because i love being a mum and love my children. So. Much. But I love this stage.

They are young adults now, each with a significant other. It’s definitely a new thing for all of us.  I love watching each of them in their happiness. My heart explodes.  (Maybe I’m a lil hypomanic!)

More often than not my husband and I are alone for dinner…especially the weekends. We have time to spend together working on home projects or just chillin on the couch having dinner together. I wouldn’t say we grew apart while our kids were younger but it’s hard to just concentrate on your relationship when you’re juggling jobs and kids. We’re growing closer.  We’re comfortable in our own skin/relationship. We like spending time together.

I’m looking forward to navigating this stage of life with my husband.  I’m so thankful for this strong man of mine. I can’t wait to grow closer and experience all that “middle age” has to offer. 😉

I’m learning that it’s ok to embrace what our life is now. I’m so lucky.  When I start to feel lucky I get scared and think it’s bound to end. Then my anxiety kicks in.

What Is It About Mornings?

I hate the mornings and not because I’m too tired to get out of bed.  I hate mornings because of my utter lack of motivation and feeling overwhelmed.

My morning consists of getting up, making my bed, letting the dog out, feeding him and getting dressed.  I’ve made that my routine now.  Seems silly probably.

If I have something planned like an errand I can get myself up and out the door. I do my little routine and I’m off.  I feel a bit more motivated.  I’m a little excited to pick up a coffee..butter pecan is my new dunks flavor.

This morning I didn’t have anything to do.  Well….understatement of the year!  I can certainly clean my bathroom, do laundry…..fold a huge pile of it waiting for me on top of my washer and dryer.

Anyway, I got up about eight. I’ve done nothing since.  I watched a little tv for something to pass the time.  Then I sit and contemplate why I feel so low in the morning.  And then I remember… adderall.  I didn’t take it.  Not surprisingly after a couple of hours I have a little bit more motivation to do something productive.

I couldn’t live without the adderall.  It gives me just a small push to help motivate me to do something, anything.  I’m so thankful my pdoc prescribes it for me to help with motivation and depression. I don’t even really notice it kicking in.  I slowly just FEEL BETTER. Like I could hand folding a load of laundry or getting out in the garden this afternoon.




Bipolar Diagnosis….Relief

One day my sister said something that hurt me to my core.  You must be a really unhappy person.  I said I don’t think so.  I said I’m not always sad. I have good times too.

HELLO bipolar.  Ding ding.

This lead to a formal diagnosis.  When I found out that I really did have bipolar disorder it was such a relief.  It had a name.  I wasn’t crazy (well I was…) but all my symptoms, acting out, impulsivity, depression, extreme anger all fell into the diagnosis of bipolar. And there is treatment for it.  Now that we know exactly what the hell is wrong with me we can find something to make me feel better.  I just didn’t know how long that would be.

I didn’t realize that bipolar would be lifelong struggle.  I thought that once treated you’d be good! Perfectly new! Maybe I’d have some bumps looking for the right medication but then things would be fixed. It would be able to be managed.

Since I’ve been diagnosed I’ve still suffered from the worst bout of depression I’ve ever had. The mania has been gone mostly except for a bit of hypomania at times.

Now I know it’s a delicate balance between mania and depression.  Can’t get too happy…..don’t wanna get too sad.  Depression always follows mania. I’m beginning to see the light.



Which Blogs Do You Love?



I have found most of the blogs I read through the reader app. I love your blogs. I know I’m missing out on some too. So, which are your favorite blogs to read?

I love frequent posters. I love the candor of the blogs and I love getting to know the person behind the blog.

I also love me some hate reads.  Get off my internets GOMI is so good.  Good to keep myself distracted.