23 Things I Planned On Telling You

  1. I saw this idea on someone else’s blog and stole it.
  2. I’ve had Lyme Disease.  It took a long time to diagnose. Now I’m left with pain and other issues.  But is it fibromyalgia? Or Chronic Lyme.  Who the hell knows.
  3. I thought I had MS for a long time. I felt ignored by my previous doctor. I know it’s nothing new. I was tripping and falling, numbness plus other MS like symptoms.
  4. I used to follow a few bands live.  That was when I was up/happy. I like the hippie genre mostly. Folk, bluegrass, Americana and classic.
  5. Sometimes music makes me sad and I don’t listen.  Often it’s connected to a bad memory of me being manic and overly excitable.  Instead I avoid it and listen to music without the bad feelings.
  6. I have a mail phobia.  I’m afraid to open my mail for fear of hospital bill collectors, random other things that give me anxiety.  So I avoid it.  It has caused problems over the years.  I need to work on that. Taxes…
  7. It doesn’t help that I am not the most organized person with some things.  Like bills and everything else 😉
  8. Steering in the opposite direction of my parents, I have always been a little messy.
  9. I have always thought creative people were messy.  I care more about the art than the clean up. I’d rather create something than cook or clean.
  10. Lately I’ve been really trying to overcome this.  I have several strategies.
  11. I make my bed every morning now.  It’s practically a habit.
  12. Messy bed, messy head.
  13. My husband is a work-a-holic.  He works 7 days a week and loves what he does.
  14. I’m happy he loves what he does but so much could be done at home with him here. So many home improvement projects and quality time together.
  15. He’s an amazing provider though, a husband and father. He has supported me through good and bad times.
  16. I am incredibly overwhelmed all the time. It makes me want to hide.
  17. I have isolated myself in the past and still away from friends and family.
  18. Retreating to my room is my “thing”.  I try much more to not do this.
  19. Most days I pass the day puttering around, looking at the internet on occasion, doing some laundry. I try to interest myself in TV to pass time too.  I don’t find much I like to watch.
  20. I wish I had the stamina and drive my sister has.  She tackles home improvement projects like a pro.  She works full time plus, takes care of everything at home.  She’s basically happy like that even her husband doesn’t contribute. I want energy like she has.
  21. I have only 2 very close friends plus my sister. I’d rather have a few close friends rather than a group.
  22. I get so anxious if it’s a group type thing I usually avoid it.
  23. I always think people are staring at me.  Maybe it’s paranoia?

What Caused My Childhood Pain

I’ve often wondered about the root of my pain.  Did something happen to me to cause these migraines or was I just born this way? Was I a stressed out little baby and it turned me into a ball of crazy ever after?

My mom was verbally and mentally abused by my alcoholic father until I was about 3 or 4.  She has never has said exactly what he’d say. I only have a vague idea and a few memories.   Could that abuse effect a child that young?

I suffer from fibromyalgia.  It’s a syndrome which is noted to have occurrence in adults who were abused as children. I’ve never been abused as a child but I know what my mom experienced effected me deeply.  I do believe it was the trigger for my young migraines. It was just at that time she left him. I’d still have to see him sporadically throughout my childhood.

I think this is plain old genetic. My own daughter has suffered from pain symptoms since she’s been little. She also suffers from migraines and I know she has not been abused as a child.

My sister and I have no contact with our father now.  An amazing step-father stepped into his place and provided a safe and nurturing environment for all the migraines. Every one.

this is about my childhood with migraines.


Measure Your Pain

As a nurse it was my job to ask my patients to measure their pain.  But pain is a subjective matter. That’s why we have pain scales.  The pain scale goes from 0 -10.  Zero is no pain and 10 is to the worst pain you’ve ever felt.  There are several kinds of these charts and even a pediatric pain chart for helping the little ones.

But don’t judge.  You can’t know how much pain someone is having.  The invisible illnesses that you can’t see are all around us. I could have been racing around my office with a level 8 migraine but I could make it through the day because you learn to live with your pain.  You might think I’m lying since I was actually doing my job and not laying in a dark room (which would be my preference…but work) Also what you might not know is I ran to the rest room and threw up between patients.

Now that I’m not working I don’t measure anyone elses pain except my own. It’s nice to use a tracker or an app to measure your migraines and pain levels.






Healing From Anxiety and Stress

The day I quit my job I started to heal. Eight months later I was on disability and being home has helped heal a lot of my symptoms. I had such terrible anxiety working (and home) I’d forget words all the time. Poor concentration, nausea. I had panic attacks at work all the time, worrying about my job performance. I’d worry after I left for night if I did everything right. My migraines were near daily. IBS had me up at night. My fibromyalgia was bad. And the bullying at my medical job increased with my anxiety. My job performance began to decline as my anxiety ramped up and my bosses were on me.

To heal, the first thing is to forgive myself for quitting without notice.
It was a panic attack and I was at the end of the rope. I did love my job for over 6 years. I also need to forgive my bosses. Let it go.

Now that I’m home the reduction of stress is so much lower. I am able to live my life without major worrying every day. My panic attacks have decreased. I’m living a healthier life without stress.


Hard words To Say: Disability

I have been an outlier for 1.5 years now.  I am disabled.  My family and friends work. It’s hard being home alone.  Thankfully I have my dog to keep me company.  Traveling outside the house is limited because of my anxiety.  My garden will keep me sane come summer.

I’m finding that wordpress is  an excellent outlet of expression. I originally set up a blog on blogger but I couldn’t find other people to follow and didn’t seem the kind of support I see here.

Thank you everyone.  Even for the hard words. 😉


Fibromyalgia Denial

When I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia I was in complete denial. I did not believe in it. Not for a second.  My doctors had done every test.  They all concluded I had this made up disease called fibromyalgia.  I knew that this was a diagnosis of exclusion. They were wrong.  Dr. Google told me.

Years before I thought I had MS.  All the same symptoms were there.  My brain scans were normal. My blood work showed inflammatory markers so this to me was a REAL disease. I was really sore and painful.  I tried to convince my doctors that this had to be something else. They continued to tell me that Fibromyalgia is truly real and I really do have it.  It is pain, fatigue, nausea, brain fog, weakness, depression, IBS plus a whole host of other symptoms.

I finally got it through my head that the doctors are the experts.  Not Ms Migraine.


Champion Loser


I wish to be a champion mother.

I’d love to  have dinner on the table each night.  To be able to get up early and not look lazy.  In bed with an ice pack and another migraine.

My laundry would always be done.  No waiting piles to be washed or folded.  The house would be spotless, company ready. My dog would get a walk and I’d get some exercise.

instead its hard not to feel like a failure when you have chronic illnesses.  You’re so fatigued everything is a burden.  Luckily my family is very supportive and gives me lots of help.  But still, I want to do it myself.

Champion? It’s more like loser.






I had always been a  homemaker.  My dinner was made, floors vacuumed, laundry done.  I was a crafter to the extreme.  Once my chores were complete I would take out my project/s.  I could be quilting or embroidering or painting. I visited friends and family.  I loved shopping . You know, just like a prudent homemaker.

Today it’s different. I have fibromyalgia.  It’s an invisible illness. It took years to diagnose.  Sometimes I can do more in a slow fashion.  Fibro has a whole host of other symptoms like brain fog or fatigue, etc. The other mental illnesses that go along with fibro is anxiety and depression.  Got those..check..

The biggest deal is the pain.  I’ve tried many homeopathic remedies.  The one thing that seemed to help was acupuncture.  I was going for my  migraines which wasn’t effective. Then I noticed the arm pain I was experiencing was diminishing. I was going twice a week.

I still have hope.  I have the love of my family.  Well, and I’ve got my dog 🙂