On being a Fraud

I came across an article online and it caused some uncomfortable feelings to be stirred up.  The disorder is called Imposter syndrome.  It’s a concept describing individuals who are marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a “fraud”even though these people are competent.

It got me thinking about how I would always worry I’d be found out I was an incompetent nurse. That I was just stumbling along in my job and I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I didn’t deserve to be a nurse even though I completed my BSN degree. I felt like that in school too and it continued onto my job. Continually worried that my preceptor would deem me unsafe and incompetent.

My anxiety would cause me to forget a lot. I’d have to have things repeated again.  I was scattered and unable to truly concentrate. I’d make little mistakes here and there. Mistakes are normal but what happens when you give the wrong medication accidentally this time or calculate a dosage incorrectly? I also have a difficult time when I have people watching me complete a task because I’m afraid I’ll mess up in front of them. Every two years when we’d complete CPR training I’d worry I wouldn’t pass the test.  The videos we’d watch were so quick but I SHOULD ALREADY KNOW THIS INFORMATION. Guess what? I’d always have to go back and fix a question or two because I got too many wrong.  And never mind having to perform in front of the instructors. I always got through that by the skin of my teeth.

Despite my worries I always got really great performance reviews. I did a lot of things really good.  I tend to down play those and bully myself about all the wrong things I did.


Gettin’ Better Every Day

Since I left my job, my physical symptoms I was experiencing have gotten a little better from the reduction of chronic stress. I used to go to work sick all the time. My IBS was constantly flaring. My fibro and/or Lyme pain kept me awake many nights. Migraines were chronic and daily.

What was worse than the chronic complaints of pain though is the decline of my cognitive skills from chronic stress, anxiety and mood swings.  My memory is terrible. Simple math skills can be difficult.  I can no longer spell or write much more than basic sentences. I have a hard time expressing my ideas in person and on paper. My word recall is terrible. I thought writing this blog would help challenge me in this way and so far it has 🙂

Also, today was better than yesterday.


14 Tips That Will Help Win Your Psyche Disability Case

Did you know you can file for disability without your doctors help? I thought it had to be something your doctor did for you or encouraged you to do. Nope, not the case.

Here are 14 tips that will help you.

  1. This is a long process.  You can do all of this easily by yourself free and get started right away with a social security number.
  2. Go to sss @gov.  Make an account.  You will be surprised to see all of your past earnings listed per year.  You can fill out the entire disability form online to get things going.  Honestly it will take several days to fill out.
  3. Once SS gets your electronic application they will send you paperwork to fill out.
  4. Best tip: When speaking to a SS doctor answer questions thinking about your worst days. It’s easy for us to play down our symptoms and pain.
  5. Have a good understanding of your disease/disorder.  Know which answers are right and which are wrong. For example, I played off the problems I’ve had in the past with co-workers.  I also now know that it is a problem with bipolar patients. I never wanted to admit I had a problem at work with people but it was  time to be honest with myself.
  6. Remember what you filled out on the paperwork because if SS sends you for another opinion they will have a copy of the paperwork you provided.  Therefore your answers should match.
  7. Be exceptionally honest.
  8. They will want to know ALL your doctors within the last year. Try to remember them all.  I even put down my eye doctor because I had been complaining to her about my blurry vision and had been in to see her a few times because of it. (Fibroyalgia was one of my diagnoses)
  9. Let your emotions show.  I cried all through my exam.  You don’t believe I suffer from depression?  Here you go.  I’m often like this.
  10. If you have to go for an exam have a friend or family bring you and wait for you.  They will ask you how you got to the appointment.  In my case, it proved my point how hard it was for me to leave the house or to drive.
  11. I was asked if I had gone to therapy.  I had completely forgotten how I had gone to therapy a handful of times over the years.  At first I assumed she meant had I gone recently to counseling. I choked my tears back and answered that I had gone before.  I remember her nodding her head.
  12. If you’re thinking about a lawyer, don’t (at least not yet).  You can fill out and submit your own application online easily. Social Security will request your records from your doctors.  You wont have to do that step.
  13. Answer your phone.  They may call you for something.  I don’t like to answer my phone unless I recognize the number.  Unfortunately I missed several of their calls. They ended up mailing me a letter saying they had been trying to reach me and they sent me to an independent Psychologist.
  14. Don’t panic if they sent you to see an independent Doctor. They could have just denied you but they aren’t just sure yet.