Turning In My Nursing Badge

I still look back almost two years later and wonder what set me adrift in my nursing career.  Looking back now I know that I was manic or at the very least highly hypo manic.  I was paranoid.  I was worried I’d lose my job. I had very rapid thoughts and speech.  Two weeks before I quit, I was praying out loud to God during hikes.

During this time my ADD medication was no longer working. I was making small errors at work. I saw my GP and had asked for an increase in dosage because in my mind I was so scattered. I’m sure the stimulant med was making my symptoms worse but at that time we didn’t know I had bipolar disorder. I never even considered it could even be anxiety. My mind raced all day every day. I never even considered stopping it because to me when I started this medication it was a life changer for me.   To me, this was a concentration issue.

Bipolar disorder did me in and being bullied was what set me down the path of no return. My final panic attack was the nail in the coffin.  Although I’m still in a depressive phase, I am physically healthier that when I was working.

I am so grateful to be able to stay home now.  Being awarded disability was the single best thing I could have done for my health.





My New Normal

Today was a good day.  I feel a little productive.  I did some gardening stuff with my daughter, went to a couple of stores, picked my son up at school, changed my shower curtain and dyed my slipcovers. That looks pretty good on paper anyway.

I’ve been trying to see the positivity in the small jobs I accomplish and small moments I am able to share with my family. I’m trying to be more present and less thinking I’m not enough or do enough.

I think this new anti psychotic medication is actually beginning to help.  I hope it continues and I also hope I don’t gain 30 pounds like I did on Abilify.




Are You Comfortable With Your Doctors?

My two main docs are my pdoc and my GP who treats my myriad of other afflictions I have. I stopped seeing my neurologist because nothing was helping. He was helpful for ruling out MS as a diagnosis, got my MRI’s all authroized quickly.  My GP says the specialists always are that way.  (I don’t think that’s always the case).

I like my GP because she asks for my opinion and input. I’ve felt comfortable asking her about personal questions, anxiety meds, increasing a dose, can we tests for _______.  I’ve convinced her to try a couple of non-conventional treatments for my migraines after I had read about them. She’s not a total pushover though.  She wasn’t totally for applying for disability. She told me I wouldn’t have anything to do after, like a place to go to every day and I might end up feeling worse.

Pdoc seems to know her stuff.  She was more in favor of applying for disability. A couple of times I’ve mentioned a different treatment and she hasn’t been open to it. I don’t push it either because I know she knows a hell of a lot more than my doctor google degree. She doesn’t like to do big changes with meds…one change at a time kind of rule.

Since then I’ve been on disability for two years? I’ve had  a few periods of  “meh” and a couple of “ok’s”.  I had no idea it would take so long to treat bipolar disorder and I know I’m still not fixed yet.

Reluctant Cat Person

I love dogs, what can I say?  I don’t want to live without my pup.  I always will want to have a dog. I love them all.  I deeply believe in adopting and rescuing.

My husbands family has always had cats.  So, we have two cats.  I love animals 🙂  But cats are so aloof.  Maybe it’s just my cats.  One goes out and one stays in.  The inmate is 2 years old.  Parolee is 10.

Why don’t they understand like dogs do? My daughter says they do but they ignore you. And all i wanted was a lap cat.  I’ve never had a cat who was affectionate with me. We just don’t seem to get each other.

Lately I’ve been plying her with catnip and feather toys.  She is laying beside me right now!  Right up against me curled up and purrrring. Finally!




Meds stolen?

Has anyone had their meds stolen?

When my son was in high school I did by his friend staying with us while having problems at home.  Later he confessed and went to rehab. I felt so betrayed. It was a bottle of ADD meds that my son had refused to take.

Last night I went to take a klonapin. I couldn’t find it anywhere. My mind immediately thinks someone took it.  I have kids in and out of my house. I went to bed really uneasy. My husband said I just misplaced it because I misplace things all the time. Go to sleep. 🙂

All I could think of was having to tell my Pdoc my meds were stolen.  Like she’s never heard that before.  And I don’t think I’d be able to tell her.  I’d look like a drug seeker and I was abusing my medication.

This morning i found it.   I over reacted last night.  Once again my husband was right. I’ll keep him around 😉



23 Things I Planned On Telling You

  1. I saw this idea on someone else’s blog and stole it.
  2. I’ve had Lyme Disease.  It took a long time to diagnose. Now I’m left with pain and other issues.  But is it fibromyalgia? Or Chronic Lyme.  Who the hell knows.
  3. I thought I had MS for a long time. I felt ignored by my previous doctor. I know it’s nothing new. I was tripping and falling, numbness plus other MS like symptoms.
  4. I used to follow a few bands live.  That was when I was up/happy. I like the hippie genre mostly. Folk, bluegrass, Americana and classic.
  5. Sometimes music makes me sad and I don’t listen.  Often it’s connected to a bad memory of me being manic and overly excitable.  Instead I avoid it and listen to music without the bad feelings.
  6. I have a mail phobia.  I’m afraid to open my mail for fear of hospital bill collectors, random other things that give me anxiety.  So I avoid it.  It has caused problems over the years.  I need to work on that. Taxes…
  7. It doesn’t help that I am not the most organized person with some things.  Like bills and everything else 😉
  8. Steering in the opposite direction of my parents, I have always been a little messy.
  9. I have always thought creative people were messy.  I care more about the art than the clean up. I’d rather create something than cook or clean.
  10. Lately I’ve been really trying to overcome this.  I have several strategies.
  11. I make my bed every morning now.  It’s practically a habit.
  12. Messy bed, messy head.
  13. My husband is a work-a-holic.  He works 7 days a week and loves what he does.
  14. I’m happy he loves what he does but so much could be done at home with him here. So many home improvement projects and quality time together.
  15. He’s an amazing provider though, a husband and father. He has supported me through good and bad times.
  16. I am incredibly overwhelmed all the time. It makes me want to hide.
  17. I have isolated myself in the past and still away from friends and family.
  18. Retreating to my room is my “thing”.  I try much more to not do this.
  19. Most days I pass the day puttering around, looking at the internet on occasion, doing some laundry. I try to interest myself in TV to pass time too.  I don’t find much I like to watch.
  20. I wish I had the stamina and drive my sister has.  She tackles home improvement projects like a pro.  She works full time plus, takes care of everything at home.  She’s basically happy like that even her husband doesn’t contribute. I want energy like she has.
  21. I have only 2 very close friends plus my sister. I’d rather have a few close friends rather than a group.
  22. I get so anxious if it’s a group type thing I usually avoid it.
  23. I always think people are staring at me.  Maybe it’s paranoia?

Danger and Debauchery

I flew alone to Philadelphia on my own one Thursday afternoon for a weekend.  I saw the SSDI psychologist very quickly jot that down in my exam.  I know why NOW.  I just didn’t know then.   This is a huge red flag.

I had been wanting to go to this big rock show but I didn’t have anyone to go with. Thanks to the internet I was connected with this other local girl who was going.  We both knew some people that were going to be there.

Flights were so cheap I decided to go.  I told my husband the truth, I really wanted to go to this show. I told him I had “met” this other lady from two cities over and she seemed really nice on the phone. We’d meet up in Philadelphia, see the show and friends and share a hotel room. I convinced him she was a friend of a friend of the group and it would be just fine. Music lovers take care of their own! (I do believe this to be ultimately true).

Her friends were saying the same thing.  You don’t know this girl you’re meeting up with. You’re sharing a hotel room with her?  She reassured them as I did there was no need to worry and music friends take care of their own.  See?

We didn’t have the same flights so I was waiting for this stranger at the gate in Philly. She told me she would be wearing a hat. Thank God we hit it off immediately.

I’m not going to lie, there was drinking and debauchery.  It was a fun time.  Today she is one of my dearest friends.

I know now that I was completely manic at the time.  I would NEVER do this now that my mania is stable.  She could have been anybody.  I was certain that she was a good person from our emails and phone call.  It could have been a very dangerous situation. I could have put myself in harms way.  My intuition told me that things would be fine though. And I have really good intuition. Truth!

Now that my mania is stable we’re off to see another show this summer. It’s a lift I need and something to look forward to.

Am I Really Anonymous?

When I started this blog I knew I wouldn’t be advertising it to friends and family or on social media.  I casually mentioned to my husband and BF I was writing a migraine blog. Husband was “uhhuh, that’s nice dear.” 🙂

As I began writing it became clear that I was not going to be able to not write about my mental illness. It’s one thing for an acquaintance to come across my blog on migraines but I feel completely different about my mental health.  Although I’m keeping it private, nothing is on the internet so I’m closely guarding myself. I don’t want to feel over exposed.

I love and admire the honesty I’ve read on the blogs I’ve been following. I underestimated how it would be to be able to connect with others going through the same things as me.

There are millions of blogs out there, right?  Occasionally I worry that my doctor would come across this. What do you guys think?  Has anyone ever found your blog?  Am I being paranoid?  It’s pretty possible 😉






Gettin’ Better Every Day

Since I left my job, my physical symptoms I was experiencing have gotten a little better from the reduction of chronic stress. I used to go to work sick all the time. My IBS was constantly flaring. My fibro and/or Lyme pain kept me awake many nights. Migraines were chronic and daily.

What was worse than the chronic complaints of pain though is the decline of my cognitive skills from chronic stress, anxiety and mood swings.  My memory is terrible. Simple math skills can be difficult.  I can no longer spell or write much more than basic sentences. I have a hard time expressing my ideas in person and on paper. My word recall is terrible. I thought writing this blog would help challenge me in this way and so far it has 🙂

Also, today was better than yesterday.


From Nurse To Disabled

The lifestyle in which I live now is such a contrast to working full time.  I worked in a busy medial office. I still refer to myself a a nurse, incidentally.  I guess I like the title even though I’m not working now.

I’m still not used to being home.  I feel like I’ve got to be doing something and then feel bad when I’m not. I feel like being home should have cured my depression but it hasn’t. So I feel guilty about that. That’s the depression talking.  I know it.

The other day I was introduced to someone new and she asked what I did for work.  I thought for a minute and said I’m a homemaker and it felt good.  I’m getting better.