Depriving My Children of Luxury Vacations

Image result for travel clip artI’ve often worried that my children were lacking something for not getting grand vacations every year. There hasn’t been European travel, tropical locations or cruises. Or lake house or beach homes. We’ve been to Disney once. Nobody was too excited at the time. My daughter readily admits to being angsty and wishes more than anything to go back to Disney now that she’s an adult.  I wish I could do it again before everyone is married but in the mean time being on disability means we have to let go of things.

I don’t know where I get the vacation inadequacy.  My parents never really took us anywhere for vacations either and I’ve never really thought much about it at all. I am just fine and don’t feel like my childhood was less than great.  We took day trips here or there and once we drove to visit friends in a few states over.  Now that my brother and I are grown my parents have done more than a little traveling and they don’t feel guilty about it. Certainly they shouldn’t.  They’ve earned their retirement.

Image result for vacation  clip artMy husbands family went camping every summer.  They were both teachers with the summers’ off meaning month long trips all over the US. There are funny stories about taking a cat one year and the family getting caught in some rapids with the cat in a canoe.  There was a scorpion sting that was especially memorable.  Fun times 😉

A month is a long time for a camping trip in my opinion, though!  Especially with three boys. All the packing and clothes and supplies. I can imagine boredom setting in, the fights.  But what an education they got traveling, besides learning all of their camping skills. They learned to entertain themselves, thus developing a deep love to read. Funny enough my husband is the only one of his siblings to still camp to this day. Also, I don’t wanna brag by my husband is the smartest person I know. =)

We’ve camped for vacations since my kids have been babies. They’ve grown up with it and I take for granted all the wonderful memories made then. What I need to remember is that those memories are just as good as the memory of a fancy vacation. They got to bring friends, hang at the lake, bike, tell secrets, make fires, s’mores.  We’ve spotted owls, went mushroom hunting, made terrariums, picked wild berries.

This year my son is bringing his girlfriend for the first time.  He was very excited to get to camp last night. She hasn’t camped so it’s new to her and he seems kind of proud to show her around. It will be fun to spend time with both of them. I’m delighted that he is wanting her to see how he grew up and showing her he likes to spend time with us as a family.

Image result for camping clip artCamping for us is not glamping.  There is no big RV.  We gave up our camper and now use tents. It makes things easier…yet harder. Easier in the way of not having to store a camper,  registering the thing.  Harder because it’s nice to be able to store kitchen ware and camping supplies in the camper so no need to pack them up.

I do bring all regular  linens.  No sleeping bags.  We do have air mattresses, a feather bed, many quilts. We have a lovely screen porch, my husband sets up a nice little cooking station. It becomes home for two weeks.

My son and GF arrived last night and it rained this morning.  I’m always afraid someone will be bored camping…especially in the rain.  I, however love the rain at night.  It’s relaxing to fall asleep to the sounds. I don’t mind reading or napping while we wait it out. She just told me she brought her jewelry supplies and she wouldn’t be bored in the rain. Perfect, just the kind of girl I like 🙂

They just got home from a vacation with her family at a lake house.  When I texted him I was jealous but I still like camping better I was delighted he said he did too! ❤

 

The Weekend and Such

I was hopeful that the increase in my medication would be helping much better by now. It seemed to help when I started increasing.  Maybe my body is used to it now but I’m still getting an overall benefit.  I haven’t been though a whole bottle of it anyway, so not even a month.

I was hoping it would help with my apathy. I’m not finding that to be true.  I don’t know if it’s my depression that is causing the apathy or the medications I’m taking. But sometimes, I literally do not know what to do with myself.  I move from my computer, to the garden, maybe a load of laundry, back to computer, garden. Shouldn’t I be doing something else?  I should be cleaning my entire house, doing some dishes, taking a shower? knitting, crochet, painting?

Instead what do I do? I ordered a new phone.  It wouldn’t be a big deal except for I should have waited til I had the funds available.  I just couldn’t wait til Monday.  I guess I’ve always known that impulsive shopping was one of my vices. And I don’t have many.  But I’m one to want to take off to Target, walmart, plant stores or thrift store.  I am always looking to make my home better.  Instead of using what I have I am out looking for more. Now I know it’s part of my bipolar disorder.

Anyway, I have a new phone now.  Going to pick it up at the store shortly.  I’m happy I’ll be able to take pictures because my phone has a cracked camera.  Every picture I try to take is over exposed and looks too light. Hopefully husband wont be too mad.

Oh, I’m trying  a new migraine medication.  I don’t want to get my hopes up.  Still, it’s been several days that I haven’t had to take something for a migraine so maybe it’s working. It’s one that you have to slowly increase the dose over the course of a month. Reports out are that this med is beginning to be used for bipolar disorder and depression too. Maybe it can help my overall functioning.

 

 

Pharmacists

ecards

Let me preface to say that my very best, longest friend is a pharmacist.  I love her dearly and always trust her opinions on any med I try. I  always ask her what takes so long to fill a freaking prescription 😉 She is always there for me when I have questions.  Like when I forgot I had already taken my ADD med and I took it again accidentally a second time. She reassured me no need to call the ambulance. \

My doc put me on a new migraine med. I’ve been wanting to try this med for a long time and all of my docs weren’t willing to try it yet because it’s “off label”.

I received a call from the pharmacist questioning the directions of the script .  I told him that she sent me the directions and than i was all set.  He was adamant that he couldn’t fill it until he spoke with the doc about the directions.  Are you kidding me?  I was soooo annoyed.  WTF, pharmacist.

Finally the script was filled.  I noticed the pharmacists personal note to me as to how to take the med.  I quickly opened the bottle and took a pill. Then I read the guys note! Oops.  Half a pill, apparently.

Damn myself for being a know-it-all.

 

 

Psychosis, Ghosts and Bipolar

This past winter I fell into a deep depression.  It was unlike any other time.  It came with some other issues that frankly made me sound a lil crazy. 🙂

Ghosts.  I never COMPLETELY believed in ghosts until I saw one with  my own eyes.  It was years ago and my youngest son was in bed with me.  He was about 8.  Everyone in the house was gone.  Husb was on an overnight, kids visiting with relatives. Middle of the night.

I was awakened by my son shaking my arm and screaming at me. “There is an old lady”. I opened my eyes and what I saw will live with me forever! I saw a foggy misty woman over my bed STARING at me.  Big grey/blue eyes, long hair.  Floating over me.  I swear to you on everything I have.

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I swatted violently at the air trying to push the ghost away, grabbed my sons hand and ran into our dining room putting all the lights on. I stood there, stunned at what just happened. There was literally a lady over me looking at me.  I didn’t want to scare my son but all I could think of was ghosts are real.  Holy shit that is scary. Holy shit I can’t believe that just happened!  I said “________ what just happened?”  He said to me.  “There was an old lady with long hair”.  Gulp.

It was my grandmother.  That very night my older kids were actually visiting with her son 100 miles away. It was like she was there to see them and then came to check on me. She made it known I was her favorite.

We rarely spoke of it after because it freaked both of us out.  A few months ago…years later I asked him where exactly was that ghost? Right over the bed, over me. SMH…totally happened. That wasn’t imagined.

So now, come winter, some 10 years later I cannot sleep without thinking about this ghost. I’d wake up and look around (still do).  I’d be scared if my husb had to do an overnight. I will not sleep on my back.

I brought this up to my pdoc recently.  I asked if what had happened to me, being terrified of a ghost and trying to sleep was psychosis.  He said it was.  Loss of contact with reality is the definition of psychosis.

I seem to be better now with some changes in medication. I still think about it but I’m not scared to sleep anymore, except for on my back.

But…I can still see her blue gray eyes staring at me in this weird misty fog and I will never forget there is way more out there than we know.

 

Must Have Meds

What current meds do you feel like you need to  you need to function?

Currently I’m having an insurance issue with one of medications.  I don’t take THAT many meds but I take some.  If I had to only be on two medications I’d make that my Lamictal and my Adderall.  Both of them seem effective for me.  Don’t screw with my adderall.

The lamictal has kept me from full blown mania. It put that switch right out. Unfortunately 🙂 I tried to wean off it myself several times but I never ended up making it because I always felt so bad without it.  I was an emotional mess and I had a lot of anger.

The Adderall gives me a bit of motivation to get things done.  Before adderall I could sleep a very long time. Pretty much all day.  It was a chronic, unrelenting fatigue.  It’s the only thing that makes a difference for me in a day to day setting.

I spent a good amount of my 30’s sleeping.  I felt like I was missing out on life because I was sleeping so much.  Sleeping my life away.  It was never enough. Even when I look back and didn’t see depression, there was still that deep ache of fatigue.

The adderall also seemed to help me at work with organizing and getting things done efficiently. It made a huge difference when I started to take it.  Over time I think it contributed to increased anxiety because it didn’t help like it did in the beginning.  Could have been a tolerance issue, too I guess. . I still wasn’t willing to give it up because it did help so much with my energy.

 

 

 

 

What To Do With Myself

It’s Sunday and I woke up as usual.  I was dreading getting up because of this thing I feel in the morning of having no motivation and drive. It is such a weird feeling that I’ve never felt before in my life. I changed my prozac to the am and took my adderall.  I thought maybe taking the prozac in the daytime would help somehow with my munching out.  The half life is long so maybe it makes no difference.

Part of my dread is feeling like I should be keeping a spotless home. I’ve never been a person who loves to clean and organize. So the home keeping is a struggle.  I’d rather do many other things before it but now I don’t have anything to do. I’d rather go out to my moms or sisters or one of my standard little shops I like to visit. I’d rather escape it.

I don’t know if it’s because I”m not working? You would think I could find plenty to do without having to go to a job.  I did try a part time job this past fall and it lasted 3 months.  I was having panic attacks and it was just too stressful.  Mind you it was a simple receptionist position.  My friend is the owner.  I left her giving her no notice when I family emergency took me to Florida.  I was away for 10 days and I kept dreading having to go back there after so many panic attacks.

Nobody really felt like I should have taken the job.  I’m on disability now.  A job can sometimes screw with that…your ability to work or hold down a position. My mom, sister and husband all questioned me asking if it was a good idea.   So on the way home from Florida I emailed my friend and told her that I was under too much stress and my therapist thought it was best to leave the job.  Big sigh of relief.  She was amazing and told me she had absolutely no hard feelings.

Anyway, now I just texted my sister asking her if she wanted to go do a couple of little things and she said “Neah”.  Drives me crazy.  She offered for me to come over which is an open invite anyway.  She asked me if I wanted to make something.  She’s been building furniture and etc lately out of salvaged wood.  She is literally….amazing. SMH.

So, this post is brought to you by the daily prompt…..savage.  I read it as salvage. 🙂

Who reads my drivel anyway.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/savage/

 

Anonymity Part II

I still think of this when I’m writing posts.  Mostly when I post too many incriminating details about my life, thinking someone can piece the details together and out me. I know it’s stupid.  But they say never post something on the internet unless you aren’t afraid it could come back to haunt you.

I used to belong to a band message board. My ID included my real name.  I know now that I was extremely manic. I’d be posting at all hours of the night.  I became friends with many.  I was flirty and chatty. I had way too much confidence.  I made bad decisions. I followed the band. I occasionally worried since I used my real name that I’d be connected to this flirtatious groupie (exaggerate….).

I really want to tell my story a little deeper so I’ve deleted a few of my personal posts to distance myself so I can be more authentic without worrying. Maybe it will give me more perspective.  I just don’t want my family to be hurt by my actions.

 

Top 10 Ways To Get Me To Read Your Blog

  1. The blogs I like to read at the personal blogs.  I read many mommy blog type blogs, Dooce, Taza, That Wife… mostly to snark on their oh so perfect lives, the kinds with thousands of followers. I also read many blogs on wordpress. These are by far much more true life.
  2. Less than 1000 words.  I get overwhelmed reading too much text. If it’s long, something to break up the paragraphs.
  3.  I love to read the day to day goings of people.  Went here, did this, said this. Some have posted that their blog was boring…no. I can relate to it.   It’s not boring!
  4. When I first decided to start a blog I thought I’d be all about educating.  What are migraines, how are they caused, new treatments. Now when I come across a medically-ish blog I pass it by.  I don’t like blogs that are too journalistic or know it all. If I want to read stuff like that I’ll go to a real healthcare website.
  5. Bloggers that are authentic.  When I can hear their voice when reading.
  6. I’m not a fan of guest posters. If I read your blog it’s because I like your writing and style.  Sure, you can recommend or praise another blogger. I’d probably at least give them a look.  I’d just really prefer to listen to your voice when I’m on your blog.  Certainly I wont unfollow…just doesn’t interest me.
  7.  If you’re going to post about something, post it.  Don’t post vaguely. Vague posting sucks.  It’s done a lot on the blogs such as Taza or Dooce.  Btw, both bloggers I follow.
  8. Pictures!  However, I only post stock pictures.  I’m trying to keep anonymous myself so I understand not wanting to put yourself out there. But pictures always draw me in…even stock photos.
  9. Frequent posters, snippets into lives, parenting, marriage, mental health are a few of my interests.

Of course this is just a silly little list of my preferences. Blogs are here for us to post whatever…no judgement of any personal blog out there. This is just what attracts me and draws me to read a blog.

 

 

Happened on a Mound of Fire Ants

I went out into the garden several times today.  This morning I planted a flat of annuals along the pathway I made through one of my perennial gardens. It’s one I’ve been slowly improving.  Something was off until I put the stepping stones in and now it looks so cute! It was a large area so it needed a little path.

Yesterday as I was digging I must have hit a red ant nest because they were everywhere.  I asked my husb to pick up something for me to use because I just cannot get into the dirt with what was like a literal army of red ants. Once he got home they were long gone.

This afternoon I was back outside and I saw the whole army again travelling together across a stepping stone.  I dashed inside to get my phone for a video to show my doubtful husb.  But by the time I very quickly got back they were gone!!!! I felt like I was hallucinating.  There were a million…a sea of them! And then gone.

 

 

Date Night Sounds So Corny…

Today was a great day.  A couple errands, I visited my sister, gardening with husb this afternoon.  Tonight all of our chicklets are out with their friends.  This leaves us to fend for ourselves for dinner.

Gardening is so enjoyable when done with him.  We did some landscaping stuff which is fun.  He helped me put a pathway into a new garden bed I’ve made. I love paths through my gardens. I love an English country garden and find it’s my biggest gardening inspiration.

Tonight we’re going to enjoy the night off.  Dinner and Lowes makes for my perfect date night. ❤