6 Reasons I Might Be A Survivor

  1. I have survived as a child of an alcoholic father who abused my mother.
  2. I have survived as a little girl with migraines and pain no child should have to live through.
  3. I have survived being bullied as an adult, doing a damn good job I am proud of.
  4. I have survived Lyme disease.
  5. I have survived through the whole disability mess.
  6. I have survived through mania and the consequences of my actions.

Seems like I’ve been a pretty good survivor despite relentlessly worrying about all this shit above. Constant worry.  And still worrying.  I have to remember that I’ve been through a lot and I’ve gotten through it.  Things will be ok.




Turning In My Nursing Badge

I still look back almost two years later and wonder what set me adrift in my nursing career.  Looking back now I know that I was manic or at the very least highly hypo manic.  I was paranoid.  I was worried I’d lose my job. I had very rapid thoughts and speech.  Two weeks before I quit, I was praying out loud to God during hikes.

During this time my ADD medication was no longer working. I was making small errors at work. I saw my GP and had asked for an increase in dosage because in my mind I was so scattered. I’m sure the stimulant med was making my symptoms worse but at that time we didn’t know I had bipolar disorder. I never even considered it could even be anxiety. My mind raced all day every day. I never even considered stopping it because to me when I started this medication it was a life changer for me.   To me, this was a concentration issue.

Bipolar disorder did me in and being bullied was what set me down the path of no return. My final panic attack was the nail in the coffin.  Although I’m still in a depressive phase, I am physically healthier that when I was working.

I am so grateful to be able to stay home now.  Being awarded disability was the single best thing I could have done for my health.





Tracking and Logging Headaches


Aw, damn I thought my migraines were doing a little better. I’ve been trying to track them lately just to document the frequency.  I had started a new medication (bipolar) and at a lower dose it was helping. As we upped the dose it’s not any more. Maybe I’ll talk to my pdoc about lowering the dose.  My appetite was much better on the lower dose anyway but the headache benefit might be a good reason to lower it.  I don’t see her going for it though.

Occasionally I track my migraines when they seem more or less frequent. I always forget to add the migraines which I’ve taken something at the very beginning of or at the aura stage.  It’s easy to remember the ones which I had to go hide in my room and lay in the dark.

The last time I had been really tracking them my neuro handed them back to me and told me I could hang on to them.  He was not interested. I couldn’t believe it because I’ve seen so many doctors over the years as a nurse and patient who have requested headache logs. I dislike physicians who think they know it all.

From my logs I learned that light is one of my worst triggers. Strong smells, splenda and NutraSweet are also triggers.  Those are concretes.  I WILL get a migraine. Also liquor.  I had three apple ciders tonight. I never drink so this is an anomaly.  They are so good though and my husband and I were home alone doing yard work.  They didn’t disappoint though and I’m working on a decent headache now.


Dear Migraine From Hell


Please go away.  I know that’s it’s physically impossible since I’ve lived with you for 44 years. I know you’ll never just disappear.

Instead I am ever thankful that you usually respond to my migraine meds. Thank God for my prescription meds and my doctor to prescribe them for me.  I’d be dead without them.  I couldn’t cope. Please don’t ever stop working!!!!!!

I went to Target this morning without my sunglasses and spent money.  Both things are big triggers for me.  I took a nap after I got home to try and chill but my normal headache took a turn and my eye is blurring and uuuuugh. We meet again.

I took my meds but they haven’t yet kicked in yet. And I’m getting low on my medication. I should have refilled this week but I put it off.  Because I’m the worlds biggest procrastinator.


art by :  Junji Ito


My New Normal

Today was a good day.  I feel a little productive.  I did some gardening stuff with my daughter, went to a couple of stores, picked my son up at school, changed my shower curtain and dyed my slipcovers. That looks pretty good on paper anyway.

I’ve been trying to see the positivity in the small jobs I accomplish and small moments I am able to share with my family. I’m trying to be more present and less thinking I’m not enough or do enough.

I think this new anti psychotic medication is actually beginning to help.  I hope it continues and I also hope I don’t gain 30 pounds like I did on Abilify.




Are You Comfortable With Your Doctors?

My two main docs are my pdoc and my GP who treats my myriad of other afflictions I have. I stopped seeing my neurologist because nothing was helping. He was helpful for ruling out MS as a diagnosis, got my MRI’s all authroized quickly.  My GP says the specialists always are that way.  (I don’t think that’s always the case).

I like my GP because she asks for my opinion and input. I’ve felt comfortable asking her about personal questions, anxiety meds, increasing a dose, can we tests for _______.  I’ve convinced her to try a couple of non-conventional treatments for my migraines after I had read about them. She’s not a total pushover though.  She wasn’t totally for applying for disability. She told me I wouldn’t have anything to do after, like a place to go to every day and I might end up feeling worse.

Pdoc seems to know her stuff.  She was more in favor of applying for disability. A couple of times I’ve mentioned a different treatment and she hasn’t been open to it. I don’t push it either because I know she knows a hell of a lot more than my doctor google degree. She doesn’t like to do big changes with meds…one change at a time kind of rule.

Since then I’ve been on disability for two years? I’ve had  a few periods of  “meh” and a couple of “ok’s”.  I had no idea it would take so long to treat bipolar disorder and I know I’m still not fixed yet.

Reluctant Cat Person

I love dogs, what can I say?  I don’t want to live without my pup.  I always will want to have a dog. I love them all.  I deeply believe in adopting and rescuing.

My husbands family has always had cats.  So, we have two cats.  I love animals 🙂  But cats are so aloof.  Maybe it’s just my cats.  One goes out and one stays in.  The inmate is 2 years old.  Parolee is 10.

Why don’t they understand like dogs do? My daughter says they do but they ignore you. And all i wanted was a lap cat.  I’ve never had a cat who was affectionate with me. We just don’t seem to get each other.

Lately I’ve been plying her with catnip and feather toys.  She is laying beside me right now!  Right up against me curled up and purrrring. Finally!




Meds stolen?

Has anyone had their meds stolen?

When my son was in high school I did by his friend staying with us while having problems at home.  Later he confessed and went to rehab. I felt so betrayed. It was a bottle of ADD meds that my son had refused to take.

Last night I went to take a klonapin. I couldn’t find it anywhere. My mind immediately thinks someone took it.  I have kids in and out of my house. I went to bed really uneasy. My husband said I just misplaced it because I misplace things all the time. Go to sleep. 🙂

All I could think of was having to tell my Pdoc my meds were stolen.  Like she’s never heard that before.  And I don’t think I’d be able to tell her.  I’d look like a drug seeker and I was abusing my medication.

This morning i found it.   I over reacted last night.  Once again my husband was right. I’ll keep him around 😉



A Tale of Lyme Disease

When my youngest babe was beginning kindergarten I started to get really anxious about what I was going to do when he went to first grade.  I had been home with my kids for 10 years and I knew that it would be difficult to find someone who would hire me and something that paid decent.

About this time my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer (doing awesome now). My sister encouraged me to go to nursing assistant school with her. We both passed the class but she never did look for a job.  Always makes me chuckle.  It wasn’t for her. Nursing assistant work is hard.

I began working as a nursing assistant and then decided I was going to go to nursing school.  Remarkably I was accepted but soon found out that working (part time!) and going to school was not for me.  I was struggling at home to  accomplish what I needed to do but with my job I couldn’t hack it. As per usual, I was living with migraine headaches. I left my job to focus on school only.

I don’t know how I got through nursing school.  Looking back I think I was highly manic. I struggled with anxiety which I thought was A.D.D.  Probably both mixed together.

I got a job as a nurse right away and while I liked it, it was odd hours and I was a big ball of stress from working full time, being a new nurse and trying but failing at my home life. I couldn’t get it together.

At this time I started to have symptoms of leg weakness.  My leg would twitch for hours, it would tremble and ache. I was convinced I had MS. I thought there was no treatment for MS anyway so might as well wait it out.

After two years I took a “less stressful” job at the office. My leg thing became worse.  I was not able to get up from a sitting position without using my hands as leverage. I was tripping a lot, falling (which I still do).  I began having a burning pain. I complained to my MD but she wasn’t any help. I remember her looking at me with a confused look on her face. I had some very elevated lab results so something was going on.

At this time she decided to close her office I found a new GP who was looking into things more thoroughly.  She told me I had every Lyme symptom and wanted to test for Lyme.  I knew it wasn’t Lyme.  MS I told her.  Send me to an MS specialist.

I was positive for Lyme Disease. It had gone undetected for way too long.  A lot of antibiotics.  I still have chronic pain from it.  I still wonder if my cognitive skills were from the Lyme verses anxiety/stress.

I don’t regret pursuing my nursing career.  It was a good go while it lasted.  I enjoyed it, just not the extreme anxiety my body reacts to. I don’t believe I will ever go back to it.  I don’t feel safe with my cognitive skills lacking. I know the stress will run havoc on my body.

I still I call myself a nurse.  I earned it.  My body just couldn’t hack it.




23 Things I Planned On Telling You

  1. I saw this idea on someone else’s blog and stole it.
  2. I’ve had Lyme Disease.  It took a long time to diagnose. Now I’m left with pain and other issues.  But is it fibromyalgia? Or Chronic Lyme.  Who the hell knows.
  3. I thought I had MS for a long time. I felt ignored by my previous doctor. I know it’s nothing new. I was tripping and falling, numbness plus other MS like symptoms.
  4. I used to follow a few bands live.  That was when I was up/happy. I like the hippie genre mostly. Folk, bluegrass, Americana and classic.
  5. Sometimes music makes me sad and I don’t listen.  Often it’s connected to a bad memory of me being manic and overly excitable.  Instead I avoid it and listen to music without the bad feelings.
  6. I have a mail phobia.  I’m afraid to open my mail for fear of hospital bill collectors, random other things that give me anxiety.  So I avoid it.  It has caused problems over the years.  I need to work on that. Taxes…
  7. It doesn’t help that I am not the most organized person with some things.  Like bills and everything else 😉
  8. Steering in the opposite direction of my parents, I have always been a little messy.
  9. I have always thought creative people were messy.  I care more about the art than the clean up. I’d rather create something than cook or clean.
  10. Lately I’ve been really trying to overcome this.  I have several strategies.
  11. I make my bed every morning now.  It’s practically a habit.
  12. Messy bed, messy head.
  13. My husband is a work-a-holic.  He works 7 days a week and loves what he does.
  14. I’m happy he loves what he does but so much could be done at home with him here. So many home improvement projects and quality time together.
  15. He’s an amazing provider though, a husband and father. He has supported me through good and bad times.
  16. I am incredibly overwhelmed all the time. It makes me want to hide.
  17. I have isolated myself in the past and still away from friends and family.
  18. Retreating to my room is my “thing”.  I try much more to not do this.
  19. Most days I pass the day puttering around, looking at the internet on occasion, doing some laundry. I try to interest myself in TV to pass time too.  I don’t find much I like to watch.
  20. I wish I had the stamina and drive my sister has.  She tackles home improvement projects like a pro.  She works full time plus, takes care of everything at home.  She’s basically happy like that even her husband doesn’t contribute. I want energy like she has.
  21. I have only 2 very close friends plus my sister. I’d rather have a few close friends rather than a group.
  22. I get so anxious if it’s a group type thing I usually avoid it.
  23. I always think people are staring at me.  Maybe it’s paranoia?