Doing Shit You Don’t Wanna Do

It’s Sunday and I just realized it is actually a day of rest.  So I don’t have to get up and wander around my house looking for things to do 🙂 *with plenty of housework, dishes and laundry to do.  Hanging around online.

Two weeks ago bro-in-law called me (and I didn’t answer) and then called my husband to tell him that he was looking for a haircut and to let me know. I didn’t return his call because I don’t feel like doing hair cuts!  Free haircuts at that.  I get annoyed.  Last weekend I didn’t get a call but expected he’d stop over.  He didn’t.

This morning I actually answered the phone when he was calling. He was asking for a haircut soon because it has been months (true).  I’ve been the only one to cut his hair for years….I’m talking like 20+ years.  I used to cut my nephews on the regular too but they have found others who are more convenient.  I cut my kids hair and my husbands. I no longer cut my dad’s who required frequent clean ups.  But I still cut the BIL on the regular (which isn’t very frequent).

Funny enough my bff’s boyfriend (and my ahem, mj guy) has started asking me to bring my scissors over when I stop by.  He always hooks me up so I don’t mind as much.  But I still feel like my skills are not there and I worry that nobody will like their hair and that it will be crooked and uneven.

My niece just grad from cosmetology and is at a small little salon trying to begin building up her clientele and I’d like to refer him to her. But I just can’t. I know he is self conscious about it.

So I suck it up and do the cuts. My kids, hubs, mj guy and BIL. And I should count my blessings and be thankful that they appreciate my haircuts, right?

He’s coming over this afternoon.  Hopefully it will be even….



saying goodbye

Hope everyone is doing well….as well as can be anyway.

We’ve got sadness here in our household. We had to put our kitty to sleep Saturday after finding him unresponsive and probably hit by a car.  It sucks every time 😦 Never gets easier. He was 11.

I’m not a “cat person”.  I wish I was though.  I mean, I love them. I want to hold and cuddle them, feed them catnip and listen to them purrrr. I think I just happen to have aloof kitties, i don’t know. I know our cats are very independent so maybe I just don’t have the cuddler varaiety.

But I love them.  I loved our black beauty, my velvetine cat.  He was a hunter and adored being outside even until his last day.  I’m thankful we were able to find him before he passed and we were able to make him comfortable and say goodbye. 😦

My family is devastated.  He was my husbands boy.  They had that connection.  He’d wake him up in the morning and greet him when he came home from work. He was working when all of this went down so he couldn’t be there.

My daughter had heard a weird cat meow from her window.  It wasn’t unusual for her to communicate 🙂 with our guy like that.  But he sounded like a different cat so she went out and found him.  She called me in a panic, crying that something was wrong with *Bob.

The vet was amazing.  Even though it as a Saturday they took us in.  He was so cold from being outside all night (which wasn’t unusual for him to do) and probably in shock, our poor baby.

My daughter, cat girl was with me the entire time.  We don’t know exactly what happened.  She thinks a blunt trauma (car) or he possibly got into something toxic (I doubt).  We live in the suburbs and he was always running back and forth between our street.

After we made the decision to humanely put him to sleep, the wonderful vet told us we could come back after I gathered my kids together to say our goodbyes. My daughter and I with tears streaming stayed with him til the end, being with him while he peacefully went to sleep, out of pain. 😦

I think my meds made me able to manage the trauma while with my daughter better. I was able to hold it together and not break down.  My emotion was blunted which I’m actually thankful for but when the tears came….like they are now it feels so cathartic.




With my difficult mornings I’m finding coffee is a good thing.  I’ve never appreciated it before. I never got a “boost” from it. I thought it would ‘WAKE YOU UP”.  Now I find I want some coffee in the morning to chill me out and help motivate me.  I’m not running around but my mood is better.

I had been an occasional dunkin donuts coffee drinker.  I LOOOOOVED the Arnold Palmer coolata.  SO good, please bring it back #dunkindonuts.  One day when we were camping my husband went into town to get us a coffee.  He came back with a regular for me and a mocha swirl for him.  OMG….I was like WHAT is in your coffee it is so good.  So I started getting those frequently until I realized that my IBS is flared by chocolate.  So I switched to caramel swirl.  Not as good.  Must be a lot of sugar in them too.

Now I must lose weight.  I’m far too fat to be drinking regular coffee with cream and sugar.  I decided I’d try to eliminate the sugar first and for the past 2 days I’ve only used cream!  And I could tolerate it.  I’m sure I will enjoy it even more after acclimating to the sugar free part.


She’s Crafty…(again)

So this weekend was productive and fun.  I felt like I had purpose.  Day 2 we started at 7am which was impressive (for me) but I was anxious to begin.

My mom and sister have been rubber stamping for about 25 years.  I’ve dabbled in it but nothing like they do except for lately. I find it’s a fairly simple craft and there is a lot of fun about picking papers and stamps and embellishments when you have a whole store at your fingers.  My mom (and her friends) have a huge huge collection of rubber stamps.  Do you need a star? Yup…5 varieties.  “Mom, do you have a feather stamp”…yup.  So it’s easy to get inspiration online and then take what we have and make our own.

Because my mom makes everyones cards always we thought it would be a good idea to make her a whole collection of her own ready made cards.

Sometimes I see a card and think it looks easy.  HAh!  Not always.  I’m really proud of the burgundy “thanks so much”.  I experimented with a background stamp, used a tree upside down, distressed it and matted it.  I did the same sort of thing with the wedding card with a lace background and silver ink.  There is a bit of glitter on that one that you can’t see.  Very restrained use of glitter 🙂

We made about 60 cards! Yikes that is a lot! I was thinking packs of 8 but my sister has plans to make my Mom 20 or something.  Ambitious.  But plenty of time.

We were trying to go with fairly simple ideas but it’s easy to get caught up in a card that is detailed.  We could easily have done much more simple cards but wanted them to look like we put some time into them.

Anyway. crazy craftin bipolar migraine lady signing off.


Craftin lady

Spent today stamping some cards for sets to give as gifts.  I LOVE the red one. It came out beautiful.  They all came out cute with the exception of the baby card.  Gotta redo that one.

So basically we crafted from 9-5 and made 38 cards.  Not sure how many cards we will put in each pack but I’m thinking 8 or so.



It's a quite dreary day here.  I'm sitting in my comfy chair by my window and feeling quite lazy. I decided this morning that today would be no stress.  I woke with the beginnings of a migraine and I'm completely out of all my meds so I thought I'd be a mess.

I woke up too early and took a shower.  Who hooo. Thought it might help my headache. I took a couple of tylenol, a couple asprin and so far it's at a very low level.  It helped that my youngest son has Mondays off and he was so sweet to go to dunks to get his mama a medium iced coffee, caramel swirl please, cream only. 🙂

For a least the past few months I've been feeling very apathetic.  It's nothing new to anyone who has been reading for a while. I have no desire to do much of anything.  I kind of shuffle from one room to another.

I've been working on learning wood burning.  I found an amazing artist who does this very distinct style of it.  She wood burns the entire background and leaves the detailed elements untouched.  It's oposite of everyone else and it's stunning.  She has some amazing rolling pins….$260.00.  

So like my normal self, ie: sock knitting, tatting, smocking I picked up these hobbies a long time ago.  I could have just knit something simple as I was a basic knitter at the time but figured out how to read the patterns and soon I was knitting socks.  My mom was the most impressed and swore she couldn't ever knit one. I walked her through the process and I am no longer knitting socks and she has continued for the past ten years.  We all get hand knit socks for Christmas.  They are a luxury.

When my daughter was small (she is now > 20) I longed to stitch those amazing Polly Flinder dresses.  They were hand smocked which is gathered at the front. I could hardly sew never mind smock.  Nobody in my area did this style of sewing so I taught myself. I got so good after sewing for my nieces and daughter that I started a small business taking custom orders.  I made Christening gowns….one lady sent me her wedding dress. I sent some beautiful nightgowns to Switzerland.

Now here I am with a new craft that I can't get looking right.  I've been doing it for the past month.  When I read reviews of the amazing artist I was trying to emulate, I read "museum quality" and was even more discouraged.  I have a lot more work ahead.  And this is a thing I think best for artists who can draw which I am not very good at. I know it will take lots of work for me to master this and I want to be good at it NOW. I don't think the standard model of wood burner works that great and I'm ready to invest in the expensive more professional version.  I will not allow myself to invest at this point when I'm just learning and apparently the whole world of youtube uses that shitty tool and gets the good results they want. So.  I'll just keep practicing and trying to get my own look.

I've been finding some old wood pieces at Goodwill.  I have found some wooden spoons and spatulals and a couple of large cutting boards.  I adore the rolling pins and I've picked up 3 of them.  Unfortunately these are for experienced wood burners and the wood is very hard.  I got a couple of frames after seeing some beauties.

So now I've been doing the wood spoons after picking up a pack of inexpensive ones.  The wood is easy to burn. I thought it was silly at first then I decided to try some personalized wooden spoons as gifts.  It was nice to think about the recipient using the spoon for years and them thinking of me when they use it!  burnedfurniture1

Since I'm not a drawer, it dawned on me that i could rubber stamp some designs and burn over them.  If I do that again I need to remember to use light ink.  I thought the dark ink would blend in with the burning which it does….but it also is hard to tell where I already burned vs the ink.

Here is one of my first spoons…LMAO.  I figure I've gotta tackle the regular kind of wood burning before I get to the point where I can do that other style.






Shitty Week

I’m having one of those weeks.

I’ve been going carless for a couple weeks now.  My husband was working on a car for me and I was pretty psyched it’s a vintage mercedes!  “vintage” LOL…It’s old.  At any rate, I drove it once to my sisters and lost the keys.  He was not happy with me.  So we called the dealership and they could make a new key.  Lovely.  So he is not quite as mad as he was.  It wasn’t a hundred bucks.  He picked up the key after work yesterday after work only to find out the key doesn’t work! It works for the doors and glove box but not the ignition which must have been replaced.  ARrrGH.  So annoying. So it’s sitting at my sisters and I’m sitting at home.  I think he dogs grabbed them off the counter.  They are shifty like that!

I’ve been attempting to learn wood burning lately and it’s not going well.  I don’t think the tool available at the craft stores is good enough and the more professional kind is much too expensive for me to get, especially when I’m sucking at it now anyway.  I’ve watched a bunch of tutorials but I aint gettin the hang of it or my tool sucks.

Oh…also fun.  My dog caught a wood chuck.  I heard him barking funny out back, ran out to find him shaking (violently) something in his mouth.  It looked like a bunny but as I ran closer I thought it was a squirrel….I had my hands trying to pry his mouth open screaming drop it. Finally he did and the poor fat wood chuck dropped onto the ground.  I could see him slowly breathing and I quickly covered him with something outside 😦 I went out about 15 mins later and he was gone so I’m praying he was ok.  He bit my dog right in the corner of his eye and a few other places but I’m watching for infection and keeping it clean. It looks fine.

More bad news.  I had heard through the grapevine that something was going on with my Aunt.  Her memory is deteriorating and it seems as though nobody is doing anything about it. I don’t see her that often but I do consider her my favorite aunt. After talking to my cousin who definitely says something is wrong and she wouldn’t be surprised it’s dementia or alz. She suffered a fall some years ago and they were blaming it on the fall which I know was not right. I emailed my Uncle. I couldn’t just not say anything but I also didn’t want to call him because he is always right. Ahem.  Haven’t heard back from him.  I hope he takes what I said to heart and realizes that there is more going on.

Migraines…still sucking. Mood…flat.

It’s Been So Long WordPress

It’s good to be back!  Things are going pretty well.  Migraines not so much but that’s my life and I gotta deal with it.  Some things that have been going on lately:

I went away with one of my best friends to the beach for a long weekend.  It was so therapeutic.  Despite our crappy hotel room we had a blast going to the bar two nights in a row.  Man, I’m not able to party late like I could in my 20/30’s.  We got back to the hotel around 1 maybe.  I can remember times of going to NYC and heading back to the hotel at 4am which seemed to come too soon.

The live music was what I needed. I haven’t been out in so long. I had a bit of social anxiety in the beginning but once we had a couple drinks it was ok.  I didn’t over indulge at all but had a nice buzz going.  I get so mesmerized by boys in bands…:sigh: I adore live music and what excitement it brings to me.

Ever since I’ve gained weight on the f’ing abilify I have hated the way I look in the mirror or in pictures.  I have avoided posting any pictures on FB because I feel so ugly. My Tdoc says it’s my depression talking.  I know it partly is. I feel so ugly fat. Any tips on how to get over this?

But this weekend I made an effort to take a lot of pictures because somehow I’ve gotta get one good picture right? I kept it up all weekend as we had fun and I actually kind of felt like I liked how I looked.  This was a surprise. I didn’t hate my hair which I’ve hated since January when I cut it all off (probably hypo-manic while traveling). My hair grows so slow. So between my chopped hair and my chubby body I don’t like it.

I try to look at other people and see how they are happy and comfortable with their appearance.  They are enjoying listening to the music even though they might not look like a model. I really want to learn to be comfortable in my own skin again.

This is really TMI but hell, it’s truth.  That’s what I look for in the blogs I read.  Really genuine folks who I can relate to.  Anyway I’ve been showering much more frequently. And you do feel better after a shower. I’ve tried to convince myself that that is a myth but it’s true.  So while we were away there were daily showers and I’ve kept it up since I’ve been home. Baby steps.

Mornings, Routines, Self Care.

coffee2Mornings.  I just can’t get into them.  I’ve never been a morning person. Working nights messed me up for a while.

The funniest thing about working nights was how I’d wake up and not know where I was or the time. Where are my kids? What are they doing?  What day is it? I remember the first time it happened and since learned it’s common 🙂 But it’s not great for someone who has panic attacks either.

nurseWorking nights was interesting though.  I enjoyed the slower pace though there was always SO MUCH to do…yes the night shift works!  People would assume we sat around doing nothing but dozing off. Funny enough, they schedule everything they can on the night shift to take the load off days.  And it was terrible for my metabolism.  You tend to snack a lot at night to keep you awake.  Then you go home and go to bed and never get enough sleep.

I switched to days.  I did not like getting up early but I’d rush off to work.  There wasn’t a lot of time to think about things….just get ready and run out.  I was usually on time. Sometimes I was early.  But there was no time to feel bad. I was tired, sure.  But I didn’t dread it. I got to work and did my job. I think my co-workers helped too.  I’d often stop for coffee.

Now that I’ve been home the mornings are such a struggle for me.  I just feel so out of it I cannot explain my feelings. Perhaps it’s because I have no schedule.  I have no schedule because I can’t handle it.  I’m not tired.  I just kind of don’t know what to do.

Once the morning moves to about 11am I’m feeling much better.  It’s weird and almost like clockwork. I will then do a little light housework or something.

I take my methelphenidate as soon as i remember.  It does make a difference. My morning dreads will go past 11 if I forget to take it. I do not want to live without this medication. Pretty much my biggest motivation for seeing my pdoc. I mean I need my other meds but….that’s a biggee.

Now.  If I have plans and have to go out, I’m ok.  I go out and forget about my dread. (I’m currently carless for the time being except weekends)

So obviously this means I need a routine and something to do in the morning I guess. Right?  But I cannot motivate myself to do anything really.  Do you see my problem?

coffee3Lately I’ve been getting up, taking care of my dog and then making a coffee. I don’t generally watch tv….so, see? But anyway, coffee. It does seem to help a smidge.  I never noticed any kind of energy from coffee though.  It never seemed to wake me up.  But I wonder if there is something else to it.  I’m sure there is.  It seems to help me feel a little better about just sitting and doing nothing. It raises my mood I think…maybe that’s it. Is coffee known to do that? I should research it. I know I’ve heard before that it’s good for you in moderation and it probably has a bunch of antioxidants in it. I just never believe it coz it’s never sped me up.

Self care….I’m sitting here and thinking, I took a shower yesterday, no need for one today. But I know it’s probably something that would help.  Yet I don’t feel like taking the time.  Which I have an abundance of.  :sigh:

doggie, coffee, shower, 1 load of laundry, tidy bathroom and make bed.  That’s what I’m going to try.

mirrorSpeaking of routines, I want to do a post about night time routines and self care. One thing I’ve been doing is using some relaxing essential oil lotion on my hands and arms. Its like I’m taking time for me.  So why don’t I feel the same about other self care? 😦 It has to be part of being depressed.

During this last depression my bedroom was very untidy. I had some piles of clothes by my side of the bed. My nightstand was littered with water glasses. And I told myself that I just wanted a nice place to get into bed.  So I started there.  I like to have my pj’s nicely under my pillow and ready for me for bed but I’m not consistent.  I have to work on this!

So routines….what are you guys routines? Anything that might help?


Freelance Writing Jobs

Have you guys heard of Fiverr? Basically you are able to offer freelance writing and web based jobs. People can search through ‘gigs’ to find you among thousands.

I used it with my Etsy shop. I had ordered a banner from someone who was supposed to make the banner (better than me) and some other designs for my web store. The girl was terrible and she did not get what I was going for at all, even with upgrading to a better $ package and multiple edits. Finally I gave up and told her it was great, thanks and goodbye.  She just wasn’t getting it. I wasn’t happy with my service but it was cheap.

Anyway, I’ve wondered how I might be able to make some money writing online. I know it’s far fetched. But why can’t I also write an article or post for someone too? Sure I can. So I just went and listed a gig.  A gig is what your offering for services.  In my case, I will write a 500 word article or post for 5.00 with variations making the price from $5-15.00.

So does anyone use fiverr?