Losing Control

When I go to my primary care doctors it’s not unusual for me to cry.  She is wonderful and kind but we are not in control of my illness(es).  I cry while saying I wasn’t depressed.  I didn’t know what was wrong.

I feel so vulnerable when I go to my doctors.  Always. I’ve explained the whole thing, gave you all my symptoms, we’ve established the diagnosis. Please help me, please fix this.  I can’t imagine what someone with a terminal illness or illness far more serious than me feels like. 😦

I wish I could control my migraines. Whatever I’m doing isn’t working. We try this, we try that. I look into something else. As silly as it sounds, it feels like a failure when we try something and it doesn’t work.  I feel like another failure when I have to ask for a new refill (again) of my scripts. I can’t control them.

Bipolar is becoming a beast to control.  So far I’ve failed a bunch of meds and none have worked on my depression. We increased my prozac a tiny bit and I think it might be helping a smidgen.  Much less anxiety, anyway.

I feel like the best thing to take control of my illnesses is research, seeing my doctors regularly and keeping track of my symptoms.  It helps me feel like I’m at least doing something to help myself.





9 thoughts on “Losing Control

  1. I’m so sorry you suffer from such a debilitating ailment. I hear despair in your post. Perhaps a small shift in perception might be of assistance: you’ve not failed the meds, they failed you. And as such, your decision to further research is a reasonable and wise course of action. 😉 xoxoM

    Liked by 4 people

  2. I agree, you didn’t fail, the meds failed you. But I do understand. I feel even more defective if my meds don’t work. Why not?
    Don’t give up. It took a while for me to get stable with bipolar, but I got there. The past week my migraines have been better.
    You have a good plan. Research, keep track of your symptoms. … you are doing things to help yourself. Good for you.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I can very much relate to the bipolar. I’ve been dealing with a depressive episode for more than two weeks now. Today I thought I had a migraine coming on, too, but luckily it was a sinus headache mixed with an upset stomach from a lunch-time binge.

    I wish I could cry more. It would be a good release for me. More often I have what I call a tightened fist in my stomach. When I do release it’s often anger. But anger really hurts.


  4. I empathise with what you’re feeling. Sometimes our illness can seem like a black hole going nowhere. Education is power. It can bring insight and understanding. A knowledgeable self-awareness is empowering. I try to live within the limits of my illness, while maintaining a personal management plan – routine, sleep, triggers etc – that I’ve learned over time. You can do this. And you are never alone in this 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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