tenacious D-epression

I’m currently struggling with a major bout of depression. Ever since I quit my job it’s been bad. I cry on and off all day.  Tears flowing. I’m embarrassed for my kids to see their mom so sad or in bed. They are all older so they do understand. I try to get up when they get home.  This is all part of bipolar disorder.

In the past I’ve had other bouts of depression but once I’d get on medication I’d feel a little better. But it turns out antidepressants aren’t ideal for depression patients unless they have a mood stabilizer along. Otherwise the antidepressant will turn into mania and before you know it you’re doing drugs or drinking or gambling or affairs. Ok, maybe not everyone has a vice. A lot us do.

These days the depression is mixed with anxiety…why do I need to be so crazy???
I’m not taking really good care of myself. My amazing husband does the grocery shopping and cooking. I’ve got the laundry and bathroom. The kids try to help too. I find it so difficult to motivate myself. That’s the hardest.  I’m on some adderall for help with that.

Beyond the chores (I do as I can) you’ll find me in bed probably with my pup. I was just crying and he looks at me and knows something is wrong. Comes closer and gives me a big kiss.  They get more than we think they do!!!!!!!

Currently I am feeling very flat and numb. I don’t want to do anything. No crafts, tv, music, computer, cleaning. Is this ahedonia? This is one of the main symptoms of major depressive disorder. It is the loss of interest in previously rewarding or enjoyable activities. People suffering from clinical depression lose interest in hobbies, friends, work–even food and sex.

I don’t know how long this depression will last. I’m glad I have a good doc who is working on meds with me. Half the part of getting better is the meds. A lot of the crazy meds have weird side effects. Being a nurse I’d like to add some input. My primary is great with that but my psyche lady has her own ideas. i say “what about increasing my prozac” she says “no……not good for bipolar”  I didn’t even get a “but I’m on a mood stablizer.”

Hopefully this summer will be better. The sun and gardening. Cleaning the yard and transplanting.  And hopefully I will have enough energy.  I am forever thankful for being on disability.  There is no way I could work like this.





6 thoughts on “tenacious D-epression

  1. I feel for you. I just ended a major depressive episode. It lasted for two weeks. I’m not manic or hypomanic by any means, but I still feel the lack of interest for things that used to be enjoyable.

    I don’t know how long your episode will last. There is little that can be done about it. Just don’t feel guilty for being ill and not taking care of things. If you had two broken arms nobody would expect you to cook and clean and all of that, and you wouldn’t feel guilty for not participating. Give your self that same careful consideration in your mental illness. We fight a losing battle – there are no healings going on down at the psych house. Speaking of which, you being a nurse, you should have more say in your treatment. Spend some time learning all you can about this illness and the many medications available to you, and then, go and confront your psydoc about it with renewed confidence and don’t take “no” for an answer. It is YOUR LIFE after all not hers.

    Above all, know that you are loved. I pray that your family is true and compassionate and understanding. That’s all we can ask for and hope for.

    Liked by 1 person

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