I’ve never asked my pdoc what my diagnosis is. Or make that diagnosis’s. I know I have anxiety, depression, bipolar something. But I didn’t want to ask him and he never came out with it. I didn’t want to seem like one of those people who gets wrapped up in a diagnosis.
After I went to my disability assessment and was granted disability I was brave enough to ask the nice woman who sat behind the counter. “Would you possibly be able to tell me my diagnosis?” She said simply affected mood disorder…and there might be a few other things.
I’ve tried to diagnosis myself. Obviously! Don’t we all. I’ve read lots of medical jargon about mental health. Nevermind I can’t read a passage in a book without having to reread it several times and then I forget. Nevermind I can’t concentrate on anything. But I’m reading scholarly articles.
Then I started to watch lectures on youtube. So much better for me as I can concentrate better on a speaker. Have you guys listened to Dr. Robert Sapolsky? Standford I believe. Lovely hippie, reminds me of Jerry Garcia. He can give a good lecture and keep me entertained. His depression lecture was really good. It’s amazing there is access to stuff like this! I think I have a little crush on him. 🙂 According to Wikipedia he’s an author and professor of neurology and neurological sciences and neurosurgery, at Stanford University. He also studies baboons in Kenya. There are a bunch of his lectures on youtube.
I wasn’t sure if I was bipolar 1 or 2. Before I went to my pdoc, my GP agreed that it seemed like I was probably bipolar. She knew the back story of my manic behavior, abruptly quitting my job then combined with my depression it was pretty obvious. I was impulsive, destructive, angry. I was acting out in ways that I’m not proud of. I hurt my marriage. I was desperate to fix things and figure out why I was so messed up but I couldn’t do it myself.
We went on vacation before I left my job for good. I was SO paranoid. I was texting my 2 friends from work, desperate to know if my bosses were talking about me. I was sure I was going to lose my job (highly intuitive!) I took my dog on long walks in the woods where i bawled and prayed out loud asking God to please help me. Also note Dr. Saplosky has a lecture on spiritually and mental health which I need to rewatch. They can be intertwined.
Originally I thought Bipolar 1 because I really think my mania was over the top. After reading about hypomania it seemed much more severe and all encompassing. I felt out of control and I didn’t know how to stop myself from being so destructive. But the destructive stuff felt good.
After I first met with my doc, he told me I did have bipolar…probably 2 with more depression. I can see where he was going with it. I was the most depressed I had ever been when I first met him. I cried through our first visits. I was so tearful, sad. I was not in my right mind.
I was afraid of sleeping. I was afraid of ghosts. My dog was retching one night and I was afraid a spirit got into him (SMH) and was so panicked. I woke my husband. I was sure several weird happenings were due to ghosts. I’d have to have lights on to sleep. Looking back now it seemed as though I was crazy. I asked him if this was psychosis and he said yes. Definitely unusual thoughts.
Since I’ve been on my mood stabilizers and whatnots and seeing my pdoc I’ve not experienced manic episodes like before. But now I’m stuck in the depressive side of things. I think I may have had a few hypomanic times since. I wonder if I’m rapid cycling (Dr. Migraine reporting for duty.)
Recently I asked him what my official diagnosis was….Bipolar 2 or 1. Biplolar 1 for sure, classic mania he said. I said Bipolar 1 and added with psychosis? The nurse in me was pretty sure I was experiencing psychosis when I was in the midst of this past depressive episode. He explained that yes, that was my diagnosis.
It’s good for me to know. I need to educate myself on my disorder. I need to know that it’s very serious. I can try and educate my family who all know I do have bipolar disorder though it’s not like we speak of it all the time. I want my husband to be able to read about it and TRY to explain to my mom why I am the way I am. She doesn’t get it, doesn’t get the extent or seriousness of it. She doesn’t get how sometimes I am not able to function. She believes it but just thinks I’m moody, depressed at times. A pill can fix it. Or counseling! That will do it!!!!!
Today I’m doing ok. We’re tweaking my meds and I’m finding some relief. I know that I might go up and I might go down some but I’ll make it through. My pdoc is amazing. He’s willing to go out of the box. He trusts me and listens and he doesn’t brush things off. I really am blessed to find him. I don’t have a therapist and while I know he isn’t the same, he does offer counsel to me.