Life Stages

cg5394b4fa12150You know how parents say each age is their favorite? Every stage was my favorite. It’s hard to narrow it down to a single time frame because i love being a mum and love my children. So. Much. But I love this stage.

They are young adults now, each with a significant other. It’s definitely a new thing for all of us.  I love watching each of them in their happiness. My heart explodes.  (Maybe I’m a lil hypomanic!)

More often than not my husband and I are alone for dinner…especially the weekends. We have time to spend together working on home projects or just chillin on the couch having dinner together. I wouldn’t say we grew apart while our kids were younger but it’s hard to just concentrate on your relationship when you’re juggling jobs and kids. We’re growing closer.  We’re comfortable in our own skin/relationship. We like spending time together.

I’m looking forward to navigating this stage of life with my husband.  I’m so thankful for this strong man of mine. I can’t wait to grow closer and experience all that “middle age” has to offer. 😉

I’m learning that it’s ok to embrace what our life is now. I’m so lucky.  When I start to feel lucky I get scared and think it’s bound to end. Then my anxiety kicks in.

What Is It About Mornings?

I hate the mornings and not because I’m too tired to get out of bed.  I hate mornings because of my utter lack of motivation and feeling overwhelmed.

My morning consists of getting up, making my bed, letting the dog out, feeding him and getting dressed.  I’ve made that my routine now.  Seems silly probably.

If I have something planned like an errand I can get myself up and out the door. I do my little routine and I’m off.  I feel a bit more motivated.  I’m a little excited to pick up a coffee..butter pecan is my new dunks flavor.

This morning I didn’t have anything to do.  Well….understatement of the year!  I can certainly clean my bathroom, do laundry…..fold a huge pile of it waiting for me on top of my washer and dryer.

Anyway, I got up about eight. I’ve done nothing since.  I watched a little tv for something to pass the time.  Then I sit and contemplate why I feel so low in the morning.  And then I remember… adderall.  I didn’t take it.  Not surprisingly after a couple of hours I have a little bit more motivation to do something productive.

I couldn’t live without the adderall.  It gives me just a small push to help motivate me to do something, anything.  I’m so thankful my pdoc prescribes it for me to help with motivation and depression. I don’t even really notice it kicking in.  I slowly just FEEL BETTER. Like I could hand folding a load of laundry or getting out in the garden this afternoon.




Bipolar Diagnosis….Relief

One day my sister said something that hurt me to my core.  You must be a really unhappy person.  I said I don’t think so.  I said I’m not always sad. I have good times too.

HELLO bipolar.  Ding ding.

This lead to a formal diagnosis.  When I found out that I really did have bipolar disorder it was such a relief.  It had a name.  I wasn’t crazy (well I was…) but all my symptoms, acting out, impulsivity, depression, extreme anger all fell into the diagnosis of bipolar. And there is treatment for it.  Now that we know exactly what the hell is wrong with me we can find something to make me feel better.  I just didn’t know how long that would be.

I didn’t realize that bipolar would be lifelong struggle.  I thought that once treated you’d be good! Perfectly new! Maybe I’d have some bumps looking for the right medication but then things would be fixed. It would be able to be managed.

Since I’ve been diagnosed I’ve still suffered from the worst bout of depression I’ve ever had. The mania has been gone mostly except for a bit of hypomania at times.

Now I know it’s a delicate balance between mania and depression.  Can’t get too happy…..don’t wanna get too sad.  Depression always follows mania. I’m beginning to see the light.



Which Blogs Do You Love?



I have found most of the blogs I read through the reader app. I love your blogs. I know I’m missing out on some too. So, which are your favorite blogs to read?

I love frequent posters. I love the candor of the blogs and I love getting to know the person behind the blog.

I also love me some hate reads.  Get off my internets GOMI is so good.  Good to keep myself distracted.


Silver Spoons

spoon2Here’s where I blow my cover as a hip 40ish lady.  I adore silverware…silver, silver plate, stainless steel. I love jewelry made out of the pretty handles! I scan thrift shops for pretty sets, collecting them like a grannie. I use what I find as everyday flatware because it is so cheap and my kids lose silverware like nobody else does.  I think it’s kinda neat to have a variety.

I spotted this amazing German set one day. I scooped all of it up because I loved it. I could not even believe it when I found out how much it was all worth! It was quite unusual set. I polished it with the dremel tool for the first time and never again will I polish silver without. It’s quick and flawless!




My Week

This week wasn’t bad.  Things overall are better but I’ve still had some episodes of anxiety. It seems like every other day is a better day.  I wonder if it’s some type of decompensation. After I spend a day doing a couple of errands or visiting with a friend I feel as though I need a day to recover. I can’t handle a full on booked up week, not working, not playing.

I was able to go out twice this week and be in public. I did some errands, went to my little craft group and made a dreaded phone call. I’m trying to get outside in my garden every few hours anyway. There is always something to do. It makes me feel a little helpful.

Yesterday I had a feeling of dread all day.  I just couldn’t help but feel like something bad was going to happen but I just wasn’t sure of what it was. As the day went on I was feeling nauseous. I used to feel that way so much more severely. I used to think depression was more my issue but it’s really anxiety. Worried about……everything.

By the time my husband got home I told him I thought I was having a panic attack and he gave me the biggest hugs. He told me nothing was wrong and everything was going to be ok.  He’s always been able to hug me and make everything else melt away. I don’t deserve him.

Migraines this week were not good.  I’m running through my triptans too quickly.  My second line fiorcette isn’t as effective and I have only a limited amount of that too.  I’ve had to take some excederin a few times and even after a week I feel gastritis which feels quite like an ulcer with heart palpitations to boot.

Glad the weekend is here. I don’t have any plans in stone. Next weekend we have a milestone we’re celebrating so next week will be stressful for me.  Emotional and stressful. Maybe I’ll share more about this later.


Nursing Scrubs


One thing I miss about nursing…scrubs.

I get jealous when I see anyone in nursing scrubs. When I’m at Walmart I always walk past the scrub section glancing to see what’s there.  And at the thrift store I always feel a little bittersweet if I come across a nice scrub top.

But I never could wait to get of of the scrubs after a long stressful day. 🙂

When I went to nursing assistant training, my teacher came in one day with a white nursing dress and thigh highs. You could see them through the dress when she was sitting. I thought I was in a movie.

Growing Distant

Vintage Clip Art Royalty Free 05

So I went to my best friends grad party. I made it there in one piece and even remembered how to get there and back!  Anxiety not too bad but I did get a migraine on the way to her house. I made a playlist to listen to along the way so I had some favorite songs for me to sing and distract myself.

I went early to help her get ready.  I hadn’t seen some of her friends and family for years but I knew some of them from before so it wasn’t THAT stressful.  I didn’t need anti-anxiety meds. I’m not a good mingler so I just stuck in the kitchen mostly with her mum and her auntie.

The party was gorgeous.  Everything was beautiful.  Her gardens were wonderful, the food was wonderful.  Ms. Martha Stewart.  Everything was just perfect. She had a chocolate fountain, backyard games, appetizers, catered meal with a beautiful table.  But it was comfortable and not stuffy.  She inspires me to be a better person (in all ways) all the time.

I felt a little sad when she brought out a book that was signed by everyone at H’s baptism(of course, Martha knew exactly where to find it 🙂 I’m not sure why I wasn’t there.  My face turned red and I could feel the tears building.  When another friend of hers found her message I admit I was hurt. I’m just so sensitive. I took a deep breath and (tried) to let it go.

We grew distant slowly over the last decade. I think I felt like we weren’t connecting and her other friendships of people who lived closer made me jealous. Socializing with her husband and another couple also made me sad.

I’m just thankful that these last two years have brought us back together. Our kids are older. Marriages older.  I think we have even more in common than before.  I’m so thankful that she understands my mental illness and understands me. She gets it and I feel like I’ve had therapy session after we get together.

Social Anxiety, Parties and Best Friends


I’m a little nervous this morning. My best friend is having a graduation party for her daughter. She is a nervous wreck so I’m going early to help her.

We’ve been friends for over 25 years. As our kids got older we grew apart. Living an hour away was a hinder.

We’ve never did a lot with our families together and it has always made me so sad.  My kids are a little older.  I wish she lived next door and I could pop over for coffee.  Our husbands are different.  Hers is an athlete, runner, preppy.  Mine is a workaholic, a little older, lumberjack type 😉 LOL.

Since I quit job and as my life fell apart we’ve met every other week or so for lunch, visiting and sometimes doing a little thrifting together.  Our friendship has never been stronger and she is an amazing support to me. Now that we’re back and closer than ever I wouldn’t miss the graduation party and I think she was happy.

I have to drive myself an hour away and I freak out driving.  I’ve driven to her house many times but I get so anxious I need the directions over again and then I’m stressing out thinking I’m going to get lost.  I worry I’ll flip over in the car, I’ll go off the road, my brakes will stop working. Aren’t I something else, huh.


My social anxiety…I worry about what everyone is thinking about me.  If they are judging me, looking at what I’m wearing, my weight, my wrinkles. I know it’s all imaginary. I feel that self hatred coming through though and it was starting to disappear. I know it’s all imaginary but it’s hard to get out of my head.  I’m going to slip myself a klonapin once I arrive.

So I’ve already had a migraine.  I treated it and it’s on the back burner. I think it will be fun though.  I’m so happy I’m going to support and help my friend. She is planning a pretty big shindig with games and kids, catered.  As a side note my best friend is Martha Stewart.

This is long and rambling!  I better get going and get ready.  Thanks for listening to anyone who got through this!